Every time I visit the Philippines, I step off the plane believing that I'm prepared for everything I'm about to experience. But at the end of my most recent trip, I finally understood that there is no amount of preparation that can shield you from the culture shock of visiting a developing nation when you've lived in a developed nation since birth.
I've visited the Philippines multiple times as a child and teenager, but I think this visit is the first time I've truly taken in everything in front of me. Maybe it's because I've matured and have a better understanding of the way the world works? I'm not sure at all. I'm still only 20 years old and I last visited the Philippines as a 17 year old, but I don't remember feeling affected to the extent that I am currently experiencing.
Everything I have here, I want for my family in the Philippines. Accessible education, safe public transport, a clean water supply, equal opportunity and much more.
Comparing can be very dangerous- in many different situations. Comparing your job to your friend's job, comparing your happiness to someone else's happiness, or in my case, comparing my quality of life to the quality of life of my family in the Philippines. The saying 'there is always someone doing better than you, and someone doing worse' crosses my mind often. The saying is true, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm living a comfortable life and my family is just getting by.
I have vague and scattered memories of my visits to the Philippines during my younger years. Most of my memories from these visits are of people, not culture. I remember riding a pushbike with my cousin and being called 'tabatsoy' which is a tagalog term loosely meaning chubby, overweight, fatty, pig- although I don't believe filipinos take the term as a harsh insult, it's something I'll never forget but it's irrelevant, so I'll get back on track.
I remember spending lots of time with my older cousins, as they were the only ones who could speak english at the time. I remember spending Christmas and New Year's Eve in Manila and hearing fireworks for an entire week, all day and all night. I remember going to lots of shopping malls, one even had a roller coaster inside it.
I remember that there was no toilet paper in public toilets or in my families homes. I remember seeing lots of stray dogs and cats. I remember driving through dirty, poverty stricken slums, right next door to immaculate shopping malls.
I don't remember the protruding rib cages of all of the stray animals, their matted fur and their obvious symptoms of illness. I don't remember my uncle looking tired and overworked. I never realised the true width of the gap that exists between my standard of living and theirs.
As horrible as it sounds, I think I flicked a mental switch after I returned from each of my visits to the Philippines. If I tried not to think about the bad things, they wouldn't exist, at least not in my memory. I think it was easier for me to move on each time I returned from the Philippines if I pushed my family to the back of my mind. But this time, I don't want to do that.
Don't get me wrong, my family in the Philippines are certainly lucky to have good health and each others love and company, but I feel like they deserve more. The small comforts you and I don't think about here, would change lives there.
Everyday I'm aware that I could've been born in the Philippines and I would've never known a life like the one I live now. My mum sacrificed her home country to build a better life for herself and as a result, a comfortable life for my brother and I. I'll never be able to truly express how grateful I am for her braveness and sacrifice.
I also feel as if I now understand how my mother became the woman I know and love. I can understand why her family is such a priority to her.
I can't stop thinking about how easy it is for me to access things here and how much I want more for my family.
Maybe it is all in my mind. Maybe they don't feel the same because they've never known better, but a strong desire to improve their living conditions exists in my mind and I'm determined to act on it.
I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going change anything for them but watch this space.
